exile in kidville

hanging on, trolling through my own archives…again…as one does. i was relieved to find that my symptoms were just as come and go and that i had moments where i was sure all was lost when pregnant with my now very much alive son.

i’m trying extra hard to just believe in this baby. that sounds like it should be so simple, so why can’t i reliably do it? i’m sure there are women out there who have experienced loss then continue on, knowing that there is no known reason to believe that history will repeat itself. why can i not be that woman? i’m not protecting myself from anything with the terrified, negative thinking. the more time passes the more desperate i become for everything to be okay. i just really wish i could be that woman and have some simple, easy feeling faith. alas. she may be in my future, but likely not until after the anatomy scan at 19 weeks (see? i sneaked in some easy-breezy optimism there!)

until saturday, i leave you with this face….

i dreamed that i miscarried last night.

stupid dreams.

i know this means nothing in reality as a few night ago i dreamed that i was nursing an adult male (and a celebrity at that)….a scenario that could not be further from the truth, or more disturbing for that matter.   grim.  i get the creepy crawlies just thinking about that dream.

naturally i can’t put last night’s dream in the same category of ridiculousness but instead have to convince myself that i have fewer symptoms and that it was an omen.

stupid dreams.

hope you all are having a good weekend. 

t minus one week until the ultrasound.

back to work today so i have spent the past hour pouring over my archives and comparing doomed pregnancy #2 with my pregnancy with Auden.  this exercise of course is not really telling of anything at all.

waiting for a phone call from my GPs office with ultrasound appointment information.  makes me a bit sick thinking of it. 

i’m trying not to be negative.  i’m also trying not to be too positive.  trying not to fret and over-analyze every symptom or lack thereof.  not being very successful at any of these endeavors. 

i keep reading this poem.   over and over.  i also read it over and over when Auden was in my belly.

i’m 6w3d today.  this is exactly when doomed pregnancy #2 stopped developing.  i know that this is not that pregnancy, but i can’t help but pause.   weeks 4-6 are the dangerous ones, right? 

i waver between confidence, nonchalance, and fear.   that said, a friend guessed over the weekend that i was pregnant before we even told her.  perhaps a good omen?  i’ll take all that i can get.  i’m also hiccupping like crazy again, which is exactly what i did with Auden.   i’m tired, but i’m always tired as sleep is Auden’s challenge.  no breast symptoms, but i’m still nursing so i don’t know that i would notice anything anyway.  i didn’t have many breast changes with Auden either.  

sigh.

i want to fast forward to the u/s.  i’m desperate for everything to be okay, but at the same time, i think (perhaps -) that bad news might be easier to take because i have Auden to squeeze to me tightly.

ETA:  u/s is 16 January @ 3:45.  i’ll be 8w0d.  it was booked at the hospital where we had our bad u/s with pregnancy #2.  not excited about the repeat location but not sure if i’m going to do anything about it.   my experience with my 18 week u/s with Auden was not stellar either and that was at a different place…

so i got the results from my second beta today (which was drawn LAST WEDNESDAY, thank you xmas).

975

that is some crazy doubling time (37.45 hrs.!)  especially given that my first draw was 16 DPO at 3 something in the afternoon and my second draw was 18 DPO at 10 something in the morning.

so can someone explain my lab’s chart to me?  according to it i am still “out of range.” 

here are the ranges on the results sheet:

Non Pregnant:  <5
0-1 week:  5-50
1-2 weeks:  40-300
2-3 weeks:  100-1,000
3-4 weeks:  500-6,000
1-2 months:  5,000-200,000
2-3 months: 10,000-100,000
etc.

now the measurement the lab uses is IU/L and the common measurement on most of the charts on the internets is mIU/ml.  that said, those are exactly equivalent to one another, right?

so as far as i can tell, the intervals given by the lab are some kind of crazy.

right?

all of the charts/ranges/whathaveyou that i have seen online indicate that these are great numbers so i’m going with that, and waiting for the ultrasound.  we’re waiting until week 8 for that to avoid extra stress should we do one earlier and not see a heartbeat. 

holy crap.  i think i’m pregnant.

beta #1: 401 @ 4w2d

low. i know it doesn’t count until the second number comes in, but I have to admit i’m a little worried.

i went to see my GP today. she humours me well.
she wrote me a script for prometrium when i asked for it, gave me a bit of a hard time when i asked for blood work, then gave me a knowing look and said, “we want to do everything exactly the same as last time, right?” exactly.

i went for my first blood draw today and go back on wednesday. ultrasound will be scheduled for sometime during the week of JANUARY 15 which is SO EFFING far away. i’m waiting until week 8 because I don’t want to be in the situation where we are doing repeat scans.

in case you haven’t noticed, i’m avoiding spelling out the ‘what if’ scenarios. for now, i am pregnant and have no reason to believe otherwise.

thank you, Santa. please keep the good news coming. please.

so yesterday, every time i went to the washroom i held my breath.  it was 12 DPO and ever since my cycles returned, every cycle but one i’ve started spotting by 11DPO.  yesterday?  no spotting. 

this morning?

i peed on a stick.

i have now peed on three sticks. 

all of them positive.

i’m cautiously hopeful.  

please stick around, little one.  please.

i’m still holding my breath every time i go to the loo.    i feel like i’m dreaming.  don’t pinch me.  please.

HELLO.

i offer no excuses. 

things have been busy and good.  Auden is the most amazing human on the planet.  feel free to disagree with me.  i know i’m biased.  he’s just such a little PERSON these days.  i know he has always been a little person, but he is simply EXPLODING inwards and outwards these days. 

he’s transitioned from the infant centre to the toddler centre at day care, and transitioned well.  he now eats snacks and lunch in a little CHAIR at a little TABLE and naps in a small BED.  so cute.  so awesome. 

he’s home with his daddy this week as daddy is on vacation and mommy is (hardly?) working.   i miss him.

we spent just under a week in Tofino in the end of November.  it was awesome, though sleep destroying. 

today i’m perhaps 10 DPO.  simultaneously hopeless and hopeful.  went and got my flu shots anyway.  i’ve one day left on my fertil1ty fr1end VIP membership.  considering renewing immediately for possible murphy’s law benefits.  then again, i’ve been putting a lot of faith in such mysterious and flawed benefits for the past couple of months with no result.  sigh. 

i tell you this, a second line would be an awesome christmas present.  i’m getting so tired of trying. 

i hope you all are well. 

for more timely updates and photos, befriend me on facebook:  m e g a n l i s b e t h @ s h a w (dot) c a  [without the spaces, natch]

xo

i can’t tell you todays date and can barely remember that it is thursday, but i CAN tell you that it’s CD11.

my blood work results came back yesterday.

FSH 3.4
Estradiol 31.06 *

*if this site‘s information about converting my Canadian results (114 pmol/L) to American measurements can be trusted.

and if this site is to be trusted, those numbers are kind of awesome, right?

still processing the doula workshop.  aside from being awesome, it brought up a lot of stuff for me.  stuff i thought i was “over.”  turns out i’m still not okay with our birth experience.  i know this is my blog and i can cry if i want to about whatever i want, but for some reason i’m wary of dealing with it here as i know some of you are still deep in the trenches and likely don’t want to listen to me talk about how messed up i still am about requiring interventions while i birthed my healthy child.  then again, i need to do it somewhere so i can put this in a place that is more dormant than it is now.  perhaps if i publish with a disclaimer at the top?

xo

…at your service.

lots more to do before actual DONA certification, but the workshops are over, and technically i could in fact be your doula.

i have a lot to report.  i’m still trying to wrap my head around some of it.  

xo