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last night was a rough one. auden was up from 1:30 – 4:30. husband went in to him first and stayed for about an hour, only to have him start screaming again once he was put back into his crib. when i go in things remain calm, but not restful. there is a futon in auden’s room that we end up sharing in the early morning hours. we had a good groove going for a while — he would wake up between 4 and 4:30, i would go in and we would get in the futon together and nurse and cuddle until it was time to get up for work. most of the time we would both go back to sleep. while i resisted at first (because after all it was FOUR IN THE MORNING), i came to love our little morning ritual. it was OUR time, shared with no one, filled with sweet nursing and clandestine cuddles. it was only after i stopped resisting, stopped laying there full of bad energy bemoaning the fact that it was FOUR IN THE MORNING, a time when we are SUPPOSED to be sleeping that we actually started…..sleeping. amazing. once i realized that resistance was futile, that my little love is simply a lark, that this wouldn’t last forever, it became precious time.
i realized that i spend a lot of time on what is SUPPOSED to be instead of focusing on what IS. there are a lot of difficult parts to motherhood, but i find that many of them can be made easier if i start by looking at them simply for what they ARE. Remembering that they aren’t forever — that the future, by definition, holds change — ofttimes changes my perspective so entirely that what was once a “problem” becomes something to embrace.
i was very proud of myself for getting to this point.
then this week happened and auden had two rough nights — both consisting of baby party time from 1:30 – 4:30 and i was back where i was before. exhausted and even a bit angry. when i fould myself pushing Auden’s hand off of my breast (‘how dare you touch me! it’s 2:30 in the morning! we are SUPPOSED to be sleeping!’) that i took a step back, then cuddled him close. he doesn’t know why he’s not sleeping or why he can’t. he knows he needs his mommy, and now that i’m there why don’t we play because we love to play, right? he is a new traveller and needs some help navigating the road, and i am there for him even if he decides to take some tenuous steps at 2:30 in the morning.
do not read this and assume that i came to the same level of acceptance with 2:30 in the morning that i eventually found with 4:30. that could not be further from the truth. i am tired and still a bit ticked off that i’ve been up most of the morning. it took me a LONG time to reach peace with 4:30. i’m so glad i found that peace, that acceptance, that i made it into a lovely time for us…. and while i know it will not simply morph into acceptance of being awake at all hours of the night, it gave me the tools to at least try to keep things in perspective and to hope that while this morning i was awake, tomorrow morning will hold more sleeping….but still find me awake sometime between 4 and 4:30 for nursing and cuddling.
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exile in kidville 
I’ve never found my peace with the middle of the night. Thankfully the every night waking is turning into the every other night or every third night.
Comment by mrs spock August 20, 2009 @ 10:43 pmYeah, mine still drops by my bed for a chat somewhere between 3:00 and 4:00. “Hey, Mom. Just wondered if you might be ready to get up.” Nine years and he’s still surprised that I want him to GO BACK TO BED!
You are a better woman than I am.
Comment by carlarey August 21, 2009 @ 1:09 pmO did this too – was up a lot on the overnights for nursing, then milk once he weaned. As it turns out our issue was allergies – we had been feeding him pasta with eggs in it. And he sleeps through now. Which frankly is FANTASTIC for me now. :)
But I like this post. Because I made my peace with the middle of the night wakings as well. Parenting sometimes is about what IS, not what SHOULD be.
Comment by Serenity August 21, 2009 @ 1:46 pmHe’ll find his way – sleep disruptions are par for the course. Getting angry about them just means you’re tired and irritable, not that you’re actually angry. Eventually (although I hope it doesn’t take as long for you as it is taking for carlarey), you’ll find yourself looking on that time with just a little bit of nostalgia.
Comment by a August 21, 2009 @ 1:47 pmOh, dear. Do not make peace with 2:30. Let it be a passing fad. The 4:30 does sound cuddly and sweet, but 2:30. Nah.
Comment by furrow August 21, 2009 @ 2:02 pmWe had a similar session earlier this week. My daughter (lately a “sleep from 8pm-6am” kinda gal) was awake from 11:30pm until 3:30 am. I was beat. Hubby and I took turns with her and she’d calm only if someone was with her. I was cranky and tired the next day and I expected more of the same the next night. I thought about it and decided that I’d just bring her in bed with us (something we haven’t done in a while and something I always loved). I was actually a bit disappointed when she slept through the next night….Change, change and more change…
Comment by coffeegrl August 22, 2009 @ 9:18 pmThat is a rough night.
I admit I have a threshold. After a certain amount of shenanigans my perspective goes out the window a bit and it takes a lot to get it back. Usually I remain ticked off until the second (or sometimes it has even been third) night before doing that step back. The futon idea is gold, though – we have used ours a lot in the same way, and it’s going in PB’s room when we move.
Bea
Comment by Bea August 24, 2009 @ 12:00 amAh, 4 in the morning. I came to know 4 in the morning well… the resistance, the terribleness, the middle of the night, there to show me the middle way (if I wanted to).
But sleep… sleep does make a difference. Wishing you rest and ease.
-Stacy (I came over from Momma Zen)
Comment by Stacy (Mama-Om) August 26, 2009 @ 6:04 pm