exile in kidville


grr. grumble. blah. come back later.
September 9, 2009, 11:35 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

hi gang.  i know it’s been a while.  i’m up, i’m down, i’m sleepy, i’m energized, i’m a momma, a completely neglectful wife, and mostly avoiding of the arena of self care.   does this equate to “working (albeit @ 70%) mother of a 16 month old”?   if so, then i suppose i’m simply living.  if not…well, if not i have no idea.

sadly, it’s CD2.  or 1.  i’m convinced it’s two, but the monitor tells me that i should set it to 1 the day AFTER my period starts.  this makes no sense to me.  the minute i tell fertil1ty fr1end that i’m bleeding it decides it is CD1.  desperately seeking continuity between my varied ovulation tracking technologies, i do the same for the monitor.  seriously.  if i’m bleeding like a stuck pig by noon, why the fuck not call it CD1 and be done with it.  done with another month of stupid hope, another month of peeing on sticks, another month purely passing.  silly me is now sad that we’ve now likely moved beyond the notion of Auden’s clothes being seasonally appropriate for a sibling but i suppose those are the unsullied worries of a simple girl. 

so yes, as it sounds, today i am a bit bitter and sad.  all forecasts for future ovulation occur during my mother’s much anticipated visit too so am not so hopeful for this cycle either. 

school is back in session so campus is full of students again.  this is good and bad.  i kind of like the solitude of summer, but at least there is some energy in the air again up here.  i’m still really struggling with being here in general.  i miss auden all the time.  i HATE that the day care gets his best hours. 

blah blah.  i don’t even like listening to myself on days like this so i’m going to cut it short.

i do have good things to report, but i want to report them when i too am feeling good so they are not overshadowed. 

xo

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7 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Oh, girl, I hear you on so many of these points. I wish we could get together and split a bottle of red. Or a pitcher of margaritas. Or a keg. Your choice.

Comment by furrow

Oh love, I’m sorry. (hugs)

Comment by caro

This is the place to get all that bitterness off your chest, but it’s difficult when you feel like all you have to report is bad news.

I’ve always hated it when people try to cheer me up when I really want to wallow in my despair for a bit. And I’ve found that the best cure is a good wallow, because if I submerge myself, then I am sick of it really quickly, and move back into the light.

Comment by carlarey

Hugs. I’d bring wine, if I were in reach. Conception frustration needs much wine, and a hug.

Looking forward to the good news post.

Comment by May

cd1 (whenever it was) always sucks, there’s no way around it. and day care sapped away all my happiness too so i get that. you have earned your trashy dessert and mild hangover, now go enjoy it (or feel like crap about it, that’s totally fair too).

Comment by Sarah

I always set that monitor the day my period started, monitor be damned.

Comment by mrs spock

Such a total bummer. I feel for you, sister. As much as I want AF to come back in my life, I am not sure I want this. But we endure. Sigh.

Oh, and I read your post about the sleep stuff (sorry I am just catching up) and feel like I could have written it. Although, you are a much better person than I am. I find it very hard to find peace during the PJ party nights. Your post, however, inspired me to try to find some.

Comment by Ms Planner




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