exile in kidville

August 5, 2009, 5:03 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

AF is here.  to catch up, it is her 5th visit since July 2007 — just before Auden began being Auden.  it marks the end of our third cycle of trying for a sibling for him.   i know i should insert an “only” in front of “third cycle.”   i know i should, but i had such a ridiculous good feeling about this cycle that it’s hitting me a bit harder than reality calls for. 

i honestly felt the stars were aligned this month.  just ask Furrow  about the comments i made to her about reproductive magic in the universe.  sigh.  i was almost convinced that this cycle took, that i would have two april babies, and that i could be on mat leave again in no time.  alas.  hope dashed again.  i knew this would happen — that i had put myself in a very dangerous place, a place where hope was too prominent, a newbie kind of place. . .

even as i started spotting two nights ago, i still peed on a stick this morning to go ahead and get rid of any lingering ridiculous thoughts like implantation bleeding. 

so here we are again.   i’m not sure if i’m calling it CD1 yet or not, but soon. 

the monitor (kindly handed down from Mrs. Spock) seems to be working, which is good.  i’ve had peak readings the past two cycles.  it still wants me to use 20 sticks/month (which i can now pay for with money that used to go to typepad!) which is a drag financially but i will give the machine what it wants hoping that it does the same for me.  it’s about trust, right?  ;)

it’s probably not true, but i think i feel more of a sense of urgency this time around…that i lack patience that i had when we were trying the first time.  it looks nearly insane to read that, as i know how long that road was for us.  maybe it’s just that the urgency/desperation is hitting much earlier than it did then, which actually might make some sense.  before i didn’t know how it would be to have a baby, i just knew i wanted one.  desperately.  deeply.  now i have Auden and i know that it’s ten times more amazing that i ever imagined it would be and my lust is that much greater to add to our family.  i know how lucky i am to have Auden, i feel it every single moment. . . and i want more than anything to give him a little sister or brother.

i will post an Auden update soon.  my baby is 15 months old already.  time, it is nonsensical.  when i think of how long it took to get him and how long the past three cycles have felt then think of how quickly the past 15 months have gone past… i just can’t wrap my head around it. 

more updating soon…. as i’m back to work i have more blogging time!  ;)


8 Comments so far
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Oh, Megan. I’m so sorry. I’ve been hoping so hard for you this month. I know what you mean, though, about being less patient this time. It just seems like — having endured all of this once — we shouldn’t have so wait long the second time. After all, our bodies DO know what to do, right? I hope it’s soon for you. For both of us.

Comment by Furrow

i’m so sorry, cd1 stinks. your feelings, as mixed as they may be, make perfect sense to me. this time around you’re fastforwarding through all the early days of “oh well, maybe next month” and jumping right ahead to the panicky “shit, is this gonna happen? ever?” stage because you’ve been there before. i guess there’s a downside to the learning curve, which makes us feel doubly dumb for getting hopes up. i hope you are back on maternity leave sooner than you can imagine.

Comment by Sarah

Hey, great to have you back! Thanks for the email letting me know where you’d moved to.

Commiserations from me on cd1 too. I really hope Auden does get that baby brother or sister soon.

Comment by May

You are braver than I was. One ride on the Merry-Go-Round was enough for me.

I understand your impatience this time around, hope things go well.

Comment by carlarey

Thinking about you and hoping that the stars are aligned sometime very, very soon. Hang in there.

Comment by Nikole

I’m so sorry. I’m still waiting on AF. My daughter is 18 months old and still BFing – hence the holdout. We’ve been “not trying to prevent” for the last 6 months. Apparently BFing really *can* be that good of a method of protection. I’m trying desperately to think of it that way instead of “gosh it may just take us another 14 months (or more) to get pregnant”….I’ll be cheering for you every step of the way.

Comment by coffeegrl

we’re still BFing too. my cycles returned at 10 or 11 months… wishing you guys the best of luck too!

Comment by meganlisbeth

Awww sorry, I just got mine too. Maybe we’ll both be lucky next month.

Comment by Caro

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