exile in kidville

it never goes away, does it?
February 19, 2008, 2:17 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

a short post because i’m still saving the typing for work as my wrists, hands, fingers, and knuckles are still causing much agony… i see the doc at the hand clinic on Friday, but my physio thinks that he will only tell me what everyone else has so far — suck it up.  it will go away after the birth. 


thanks everyone for your comments on my last post.  i am indeed in (custom!) splints at night.  it’s kind of a different beast than regular carpal tunnel though as it is actually caused by the pregnancy.  it means that the usual remedies do little to nothing for a gal like me.  alas.

anyway, a coworker who just came back from mat leave last month just told me that she is about 9 weeks pregnant again (remember that here in Canada our mat leaves are much healthier than in the States.  she came back in January, but was off since March). 

my heart sank a little. 

here i am 31 weeks pregnant myself and her news still saddened me.  how fucked up is that?   all i could do was think thoughts that can only exist outside of my current reality.  i instantly thought about how Husband and I want to have two kids, how lucky she is to be pregnant again, who knows if we will be able to pull this off again, it took us two years to get here, i’m 35 we don’t have much time, and on and on and on.  i was a bit horrified by myself.

not to mention the shock and horror of telling someone so soon…then again, she knows that i’ve had losses so maybe she felt okay telling me early.  she’s not telling anyone else yet.

anyway, i was just stupidly surprised by my reaction.  here i sit with a big old belly and STILL can’t simply be first and foremost happy for someone who tells me they’re preggo.   IF — the gift that keeps on giving.

i’ve been a shit commenter lately because of the wrists.  can you still feel my love?


7 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Feeling the love.
I think those thoughts will catch you at an odd angle every now and again until you really and truly get to a stage in life where it doesn’t affect you personally anymore. If, indeed, there is such a place, what with the cycle of life and the grandchildren phase and so forth.

Comment by Bea

It’s funny how those old IF feelings come up now and then to catch you off guard. I agree with Bea: i doubt there’s a safe place, just over time it happens less frequently.

Comment by Samantha

I hope you get better soon…I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t blog and comment all the time!:)
Sorry about the co-worker. I have to say that I always feel guilty that I am sooo excited when I learn of one of the blogosphere’s pregancy’s, yet I grimace at ones that get a bfp IRL. Oh well, what will be, will be.

Comment by Courtney

Don’t beat yourself up too much. IF creates scars that never completely heal. I expect to forever be jealous of the truly fertile. It doesn’t make you a bad person – just human.

Comment by Lady In Waiting

Feeling the love.
I am so sorry about your poor wrists. Ow ow ow.
I think, infertility and loss leaves a raw, slow-healing place on our hearts no matter what. How can we ever dishonour ourselves and our past by forgetting that place? We can’t. Eventually it’ll be a mark rather than a raw place, and we will be able to feel a good deal less complicated about other pregnancies. Eventually. But a mere few months? Less than a year? It’d be weird to scarred over already.
Thinking of you, and Wee.

Comment by May

Oh I know how you feel! I try to live in the moment but I get nervous already about trying for #2 when we haven’t even managed #1 yet. Crazy, huh?

Comment by Ms. Planner

I can totally relate. I’m still amazed and jealous at how easily pregnancy comes to some people. Even now.
I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. Ouch! I hope you can get some relief. xoxo

Comment by Nikole

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