exile in kidville


strange days for strange girls
September 27, 2007, 3:31 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

on top of all of our joy and good news yesterday, we got some more "good news."  it definitely requires the quotations.  there is good news and then there is "good news."

my GP phoned and left a message for us.  the pathology report from my last miscarriage came in.  the results showed a chromosomal abnormality.  she went on to talk about "nature’s way" and such, and assured me that this in no way increased the chances of this pregnancy having any chromosomal problems what so ever. 

my husband looked at me and said, "it’s good news." 

yes, it is good news, but it’s still a sad reminder. 
it’s good to know that it wasn’t just my body being stupid, that i can’t blame that loss on my body, or myself.  i think "nature’s way" is ultimately a very good thing.  i’m happy that if there was a chromosomal abnormality that it was one that falls into the nature’s way category and not something so utterly unimaginable such as trisomy 18.

so, yes.  "good news."  but it still made me sad.  it makes me cry just to write about it. 

i’m just sorry that it didn’t work out with us, no matter what happened.

and here i sit in the strange, lucky, blessed position to be pregnant again.  quickly and surprisingly, complete with heartbeats and ultrasounds that show actual life. 

this is perhaps really out there or just plain ridiculous, but when i first found out that i was pregnant again, the thought came to me that maybe our baby came back for a second go.  it just didn’t work out quite right the first time, but he/she thought that she would try again.   is it so completely strange that i find some comfort in that notion, bizarre as it may sound?  in some strange way it does comfort me.  it makes it feel like less of a loss, and in a way helps me with the fact that we got pregnant so quickly again by minimizing the notion that maybe we moved on too quickly and didn’t take the time to grieve…..just as being pregnant again takes away some of the pain of loosing the baby in the first place.     it’s all so cyclical. . .all of it. . . being a woman is a cyclical thing in and of itself, as is life in general i suppose.  maybe my baby came back to me.  maybe i’m certifiable.  i’ll take my comforts where i can though.

so there.
i said it.  i haven’t even told Husband that because i’m afraid he will simply think i’ve lost my mind.

regardless, i suppose the simple fact is that this is still a loss to grieve.  my current state helps me tremendously, and my brain’s current interpretation is perhaps only trying to make it easier. 

i don’t know, but i’m sorry it didn’t work out the first time, but this time looks like a keeper, little one.  why don’t you stick around for a while? 

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17 Comments so far
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Not crazy at all! That is a NEAT way to look at it! That baby really wants you for a mommy=)

Comment by JJ

You are so not crazy for thinking that way. I would probably feel the same way if I got pregnant again quickly.
I believed this last baby was a gift from our other angel in heaven. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out. But it made me happy to think of it that way, even if it sounds ridiculous.

Comment by Kristen

Definitely needed the inverted commas for that one. I hope it gives you confidence in this new pregnancy, though.
Bea

Comment by Bea

I like the way you are thinking of things, it is comforting.

Comment by My Reality

That ‘good news’ is such a double edged sword, and I think you’re definitely not certifiable….

Comment by M

Not crazy at all, but very comforting. Even though you are pregnant again, you did experience a terrible loss, so take the comfort where you can get it!

Comment by Samantha

Okay, then we are crazy together, because that was the first thought that crossed my mind when you wrote that you were pregnant again, unassisted. Sort of like Wee called a Do-Over.
If it gives you comfort, that’s all that matters.

Comment by carlarey

I still haven’t been able to get pregnant, but I can’t imagine doing so and then having to cope with the loss. What a blessing to be pregnant again so soon after. I agree, take your comforts where you can. It’s the little comforts that make life easier. I had a sister who died three hours after she was born because of Trisomy 18, count your blessings that your baby didn’t have to experience the pain she did. Much love and hugs today!

Comment by Equipoise

It sounds perfectly reasonable to me. Not at all crazy.
Sometimes I think about how long (relatively) it took us to get pregnant, and I consider that maybe we just had to wait until this one, which was the right one, was ready to come to us.
Who knows how these things work?

Comment by furrow

I don’t think it is crazy. I think it is great that you have found a way to have peace with it all. That is what matters.

Comment by M

We all grieve and rationalize so differently that I don’t think it is strange at all. I am sorry you had to get the news about the first pregnancy; that must have been so sad to revisit that “place.” And am glad you are finding peace and joy with the second pregnancy – lucky you!

Comment by Ms. Planner

Sometimes I wonder if it is better to know or not to know. I had 2 miscarriages that happened and I have no idea why. I have wondered but will never know. I still feel sad for those losses, even though the most traumatic was 7 years ago. Would knowing what had caused it assuage the pain? I don’t think anything could or will. But still I envy you having some kind of answer to hold on to other than the clueless persons answer, “It was GOD’s will.”

Comment by cate

If you’ve lost your mind, then I definitely have too. I’ve never admitted this, but though we haven’t even found a surrogate, I tell myself that, if we were ever lucky enough to have a real live baby, it would be one of the twins “coming back.” And since one was a boy and one was a girl, my crazy thought would work no matter which gender the baby was.

Comment by niobe

Like everyone else, I think it’s a perfectly understandable way of thinking about it, that the baby came back for another go. It’s a very comforting thought. I like it.

Comment by May

Your thoughts make perfect sense to me. I am not religious, but I do believe in energy and sometimes it takes a while to get into the right form.
XOXOXO

Comment by Lady In Waiting

This is why I didn’t insist on testing the embryo after this miscarriage — it is not necessarily “good” news to learn that it was a chromosomal abnormality, and certainly bad news to learn you lost a healthy embryo.
I hope this one keeps sticking around, aand it is a nice thought that the baby came back to try again.

Comment by SaraS-P

i would feel the same way. it’s kind of how i’ve seen things with the embryos that didn’t make it to transfer, etc. it sort of like to me there is a baby for us, but it’s not exactly connected to the cells and tissues. after all the years of discarded cells and tissues, i still have a hrd time associating that future baby of ours even with the 32 week old fetus kicking me in the ribs. part of it is my own wacky belief system, but part of it maybe is just the disassociation infertility has taught me. and if that’s what gets me through, so be it.

Comment by Sarah




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