exile in kidville

August 17, 2007, 2:41 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

doubled.  barely, but doubled.   

this is good news.  i know this is good.  i thought i would be bouncing off of the effing walls right about now but for some reason i’m not.  too sleepy perhaps.  i woke up at 5am to pee (which is my new routine apparently) and then had the strangest dreams. . . creepy icky dreams. 

my appointment at the birth clinic last night went well.  i really really love the doc i saw there.  she told me several times how happy she was to have me back and even hugged me at the end of our appointment.  that’s the good news.  the not so good news is that i’m really on my own here until the end of september.  that’s right.  the end of september.  my next appointment is 26th september.  i will (hopefully) be 10 weeks preggo then.  between now and then i have my follow up with Dr. Soap (my d&c OB) a week from today, which will hopefully a) actually happen as the pathology reports might not be back yet, and b) give me some reassurance.  i also still have an appointment at the fertility clinic 27th august that i will hopefully cancel late next week (but not before then!).  also?  no one is interested in testing my progesterone levels.  sigh. 

it’s hard out there for an infertile girl who suddenly, surprisingly finds herself successful on a total DIY cycle fresh off a miscarriage.  apparently i must be treated like a "normal" girl.  alas, i do not feel like a normal girl.  maybe i can get dr. soap to do another round of betas or something.  and/or test my effing progesterone levels.  something?  throw an IF gal a bone, dr. soap?

i have to admit that i don’t really know what i’m looking for.  i’m u/s shy right now anyway after my last experience, so i’m not dying to get a scan done….i don’t know what i want, other than some magic ticket that will tell me that i will be bringing home a real live baby next april.   i also think that i’m influenced by many of you lovely ladies who have gone through an IUI/IVF cycle with an RE and are then logically monitored extensively.   apparently in the non-ART universe, preggo ladies are left to their own devices.  for an eternity. 

i suppose another way of looking at this is that no amount of monitoring (save maybe my effing progesterone, but as it’s always tested normal, i’m hopefully unnecessarily fixated on this?) will save this pregnancy if it is in fact doomed.  for now, i’m pregnant.  some days i’m more confident in this than others, but i’m generally trying to just accept it.  not to doubt it.  not to concentrate on the worst possible scenario.  i’m trying just to be in the condition i’m in and to be happy about it.  i already have grateful covered — grateful i most certainly am, but now i’m striving for a simple, sometimes seemingly elusive happiness that can only come if accompanied by peace.  i keep telling myself, "i’m pregnant."  that’s it.  no amount of fretting will make this one stick.  fretting over symptoms or lack thereof will not make this stick.  for today, i’m just pregnant. 

can you tell i’m trying to convince myself?

the more i wake up (i was kind of napping on my desk when the phone call with my beta results came in) the more ecstatic i’m feeling about that number.  the more concerned i grow about the sudden cramping i’m having too.  sigh.  it’s going to be a long time until september 26th.   


14 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Hooray and congratulations! As you said, today you’re pregnant :) I’ll keep thinking good thoughts for you!!

Comment by coffeegrl

When your numbers get over a thousand the doubling can slow. You doubled, that is fantastic!!

Comment by My Reality

My doubling 1911 19dpo to 3266b at 21 dpo is a bit slow too… I have some info and links on my blog about why that’s OK at higher numbers.
I’m also in limbo, though I’ll have early scans. Good luck to you too!

Comment by Drowned Girl

That’s a pretty good rate for numbers that high. Hoping this is the real thing. Waiting until 10 weeks will be excruciating – I don’t know if there’s some way to get an earlier scan – maybe around 7 or 8 weeks – that would be pretty telling.

Comment by Larisa

The numbers sound great! Try not to lose sleep over the progesterone thing if you’ve tested normal in the past.
Sorry you have to wait so long to get some attention. It’s hard enough to feel comfortable about the idea of being pregnant without having to wait so long to see the baby.

Comment by ultimatejourney

Maybe your acupuncturist could recommend someone for massage who specializes in the newly pregnant and stressed.
Or check with the doc at the birth clinic. She seems like the sort that would be very sympathetic to your feelings right now.

Comment by carlarey

I found your blog through another blog that I read, so I hope you don’t mind me commenting. Having just m/c last month, I can imagine how scared you are right now. I’m terrified to start trying again for the fear of losing it again. Please know that I am thinking of you and hoping that all turns out great for you!

Comment by mj

That is a great number and right now YOU ARE PG. This is great news. I’m so sorry you are also so scared too. What a horribly conflicting thing to have to go through. Fighting the urge to feel joy just sucks.

Comment by Merideth

Wonderful news!!!

Comment by Sunny

Good news! YAY!
OK, wanna hear what I would do? Keep ALL of your appointments, esp the RE appt. Show up and tell them, surprise! Then tell them what you have gone through to get here. Have everyone check on you and pretty soon it’ll be the end of September.

Comment by Ms. Planner

Great news!

Comment by Cate

Doubled! YAY!!!! I remember that it’s true about higher numbers doubling slower. So your doubling in a few days is great.
I agree with Ms. Planner (what an apt name for her). Keep that RE appt. Who know? Maybe they’ll do something for you?

Comment by furrow

SO glad the numbers doubled! I’m also with Ms. P–I would keep all of the appts and get monitored as much as possible.
Thinking of you!

Comment by Sticky Bun

Those are great numbers. Doubling is awesome news, even if “barely”.
I hate how they treat us like “normal” girls too. I don’t consider 2 losses normal. Keep your appt with the RE and maybe they can do something for you that the other won’t. Definitely stick up for yourself and tell them if you want more done.
I am crossing my fingers that this one is the charm. I look forward to hearing some more good news!

Comment by Kristen

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