exile in kidville

…and stuck again. harshly.
August 3, 2007, 3:11 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

i know it has been rather silent around these parts recently.    honestly?  i just haven’t been in the greatest mood.  i’ve been quite frustrated with Husband as of late, and it’s not right for me to go on about him on my blog when i can’t even talk to him about it.  it’s nothing major, just a general feeling of my time not being respected or my schedule not being as worthy as his.  there.  i’m done. 

also, and honestly?  the joyous rash of BFPs throughout the blogosphere has me a little bummed out.  i don’t think i have to justify myself here with you ladies by saying that i am of course very very happy for all of you (do i?), because i truly am.   i am happy and wish you all nothing but glorious, uneventful success.  this time in the blogosphere has just served to remind me that i am still mourning my own loss, and in some ways all of the announcements make me feel a bit afraid for you all.   not because i think anything dreadful will happen, but because my miscarriage is still at the forefront of my emotional lens, pregnancy is still a very scary thing.  i don’t want to see any of you go through what i’m still going through either again or for the first time.  does that make any sense at all?   probably not.  feel free to kick me in the pants in the comments. 

anyway, life plods along.  i had my second acupuncture treatment today.  it was okay.  not nearly as relaxing as the first go round.  this could be because i had a different practitioner today and my usual person is on holiday.  today’s lad was a bit more interested in getting me on some chinese herbs, and also vocalized opinions about a doctor that i did not really want to hear.   now, i’ve been on a great streak of enjoying and appreciating what i’ve heard about bitch RE, but this guy had to provide some negative quips about new RE that i have chosen to see.  i suppose that i can’t hang a sign on myself telling people to only give me their opinions if they are similar to my own though, can i?  that said, he knew that i made a conscious choice to change REs, so perhaps could have inferred that i made the choice i wanted to make and then kept his mouth shut.  anyway, he didn’t say anything terrible about her, just that she’s "the least receptive to acupuncture" of all the docs in my fertility clinic and that she can be blunt and to the point.  honestly, i don’t really care so much if my new RE is a big supporter of acupuncture.  it really doesn’t matter to me because right now i’m basically in an exploratory phase with it anyway.  also?  if this new RE turns out to be blunt and to the point, i’m already used to that after dealing with bitch RE so what does that really matter?   today’s acupuncturist recommended the newbie RE that the clinic was trying to get me to see before i stuck to my instinct and decided to wait for an appointment with the doc i wanted.  then i had a look through the acupuncture clinic’s website again and notice that newbie RE is also answering questions on their web forum.  translation:  newbie RE is a fan of the acupuncture, therefore he likes her best.  whatever.  two of my most trusted and adored physicians, my GP and my OB/GYN, have told me that they think the RE that i chose is very nice, warm, etc. etc.  those endorsements + my instinct = still happy i made the choice that i did.  only august 27th will tell, as that is my first appointment with her. 

also not so great about today’s acupuncture session?  the "meditation."  the practitioner offered a meditation to listen to during my treatment.  i said okay, and then he offered me my choice of two.  i can’t remember what he called them, but let’s say one was for successful fertile thoughts and the other was about the loss/grief of miscarriage.  as i was hoping to relax and not simply curl up in a ball crying on the table (dangerous with acupuncture needles stuck in various places on my body), i opted for successful fertile thoughts.  unfortunately, this happier sounding one had nearly the same potentially dangerous effects that i feared with the miscarriage one.  i hated it.  it gave me strong visualizations of two of the most horrible times of my life:  being in the ultrasound room on may 22nd when they couldn’t find a heartbeat, and my husband holding me while i shook and sobbed after finding out that my hormone levels were crashing.  i can remember both of these moments with the most disturbing visual clarity, and i can be right back in them within an instant.  especially that ultrasound room.  i didn’t want to go there this morning.  i wanted to go and have needles stuck in me, relax, and then perhaps giggle on the way to work about how relaxing it is to have needles stuck in your body.  instead, while the needles remain the constant, i ended up crying into my aromatherapy eye pillow afraid to wipe my tears because i knew there was a needle in my right wrist and another somewhere around my left elbow.  i was too afraid of hurting or blinding myself with a damn needle.   i then became worried about crying mascara all over said aromatherapy eye pillow, so i moved VERY slowly and had a peek.  the needles were not in a place where i was going to blind myself, so i had a quick wipe and tried to tune out the blasted meditation.  it didn’t work very well.  i tried to focus on some pranayama instead, but that didn’t help either.   i just wanted to get out of there.  i must confess that i had a button in my hand that i could have pushed at any time to call him back in.  i could have told him to turn it off and then tried to salvage the rest of the treatment, but i didn’t do that.  it was just too late.  by the time i reached the point of wanting to do that, i was already really teary and didn’t want to talk to or have to explain myself to anyone.  i also was afraid he would ask me questions and make me cry harder.  i wanted to focus on getting my shit together and getting on out of there.

when he came back in to take out the needles and send me on my way, he asked how the meditation was.  i told him that i didn’t really like it and that it made me sad.  his response was "that is how holistic medicine works.  we don’t suppress the emotions, we bring them out."    super, but you know what?  i’ve enough to make me sad right now.  i can close my eyes and be right back in that ultrasound room at any given time of day.  i don’t need to have anything drawn out of me by some process, person, needle, or hokey meditation.  i can do that just fine all by myself just by closing my eyes — and that doesn’t cost me a dime. 

so, clearly this visit was not nearly as successful as my initial one.  i’ll give it another go with the guy who is to be my usual needle-sticker and see how it goes.   i also know to refuse the "meditation" next time. 

it’s a long weekend here for us as monday is BC day, which pleases me greatly.  it’s also pride weekend so the Hub and i are planning on going down to see some of the festivities.  have a great weekend all. 


14 Comments so far
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I’m so sorry about today’s acupuncture experience. Reading about you describing being in the ultrasound room made me tear up. I so wish you didn’t have to go through this–I so wish nobody had to.
And, I can totally understand how you feel about all the bfps lately. And I actually think the way you described it makes perfect sense. And I know everytime I’ve read one of your kind supportive comments, I’ve just been so touched. I know what a hard time this is for you. And I think your genuine concern comes across both in this post and in your comments.
I hope you take some time for you over the long weekend. Thinking of you…

Comment by Sticky Bun

I hope your next acupuncture appointment goes back to being relaxing.
I get what you are saying with all of the BFP’s. This round has been kind of bittersweet. It leaves me kind of unsure of how to feel when all of my infertile friends are getting pregnant and I am still not. It forces me to deal with things I am not ready to deal with.
Enjoy the long weekend.

Comment by My Reality

Oh man do I hear where you are coming from with the bfp’s. My office, my babycenter board, the blogs, my friends. Hey us Megan’s, Meghan’s whatever…. we are due…,keep your chin up – its easier said than done – i want to crawl in a hole and fade away – I lost my blog this week….wtf

Comment by Meghan

I hear you on the BFPs! Sorry to hear about the acupuncture experience, I’ve been toying with the idea myself but it’ll have to wait due to finances at the moment.

Comment by Caro

i’m so sorry for that awful experience at accu, and really i guess, the awful experience you had to relive. you deserve happiness and love and joy and the pain is just not fair. moving on from these things always seems to be two steps forward, one step back.

Comment by Sarah

That sounds like a really rough experience with the accupuncture. I’m really sorry. I have to agree, it’s not like you have repressed feelings that you need drawn out! I the hope third session will be better, otherwise stop going!

Comment by Samantha

Oh hon… a rough experience all around, eh?
Thinking of you.

Comment by serenity

I wonder if the guy you got this time was new to the practice and thus, gung ho, or just the pushy, opinionated type. I wish people wouldn’t be like that.
I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time, especially the stuff with Husband. You want that relationship, at least, to be safe and pleasant during all of this. But alas, husbands will be annoying at times.

Comment by furrow

What a disappointing experience. I hope you’re having a nice long weekend.

Comment by ultimatejourney

I’m sorry that you’ve been feeling down and the accupuncture didn’t help so much…Thinking of you.

Comment by coffeegrl

Holistic and insensitive, what a great combo. It’s wrong to leave an acupuncture session wanting to go all Homer Simpson and choke someone.
And I can so relate to your time not being valued by the husband.

Comment by carlarey

I’ve definitely had my bad days with acupuncture, including the time I practically yelled at my acupuncturist and cried with frustration. Proud moment. They’re mostly good though.
Hang in there with the BFPs and your honey. It will all come around to a better place. It has got to, right?
Sending some comfort your way.

Comment by Ms. Planner

I’m right there with you on all the BFP’s. Like you, I’m genuinely happy for them, it just feels like now this is one more place I get left behind.

Comment by chicklet

I’m so sorry you’ve had such a rough time. I really hope things improve now, because you so deserve it. Did you have a good holiday weekend?

Comment by May

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