exile in kidville

thank god it’s a holiday weekend….
June 29, 2007, 4:00 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

because i’m really really OVER my job this week.  i may have a nice view sometimes (we’re on top of a mountain and often socked in….sometimes i look out there and all i see is white), but not even that has been enough to placate me this week.  thankfully, i just finished a project from hell that made me whiny and cranky.  finishing that + impending long weekend = goodness.  now i’m just frittering away some time before i can leave without raising too many eyebrows. 

feeling a little crampy today…i have high hopes that AF is on her way and i can get back into the swing of things….that sounds as if it is a return to normalcy — and i suppose it is for us IFers.  not doing so badly otherwise, though i realized today that i’ve slowly been turning into the funnygirl at work which is rather annoying and frankly exhausting.  a coping mechanism or an avoidance mechanism?  likely a mix of both.  i don’t want to make things sound worse than they are, because i really feel like i’m doing okay.  there’s nothing new to say about it….”fogged in” seems to accurately describe the feeling though.  i just have to allow this to take time.  to let it run it’s course.  it’s hard though because simultaneously i feel that i should really just be getting over it and moving on.  i know that’s far from reality and such, so no need to reassure me otherwise.  it’s just proof that this is something that women historically have not been “allowed” to mourn or grieve, but definitely something to be glossed over.  thank goodness for the blog and for all of you.

our follow-up appointment with the OB who did my D&C is on Friday the 6th.  i’m already a little fixated on it.  i don’t really know what i can expect to learn from the pathology report.  how much information might they have gathered?  and more importantly — how much do i want to know?    one of the big “what ifs” of expected information is what if it wasn’t a chromosomal problem.  what then?  another thing i’m particularly fixated on is whether or not they will have found out the sex.  if so, do i want to know?  originally husband and i were steadfastly in the no category.  now, i’m not so sure.  a friend of mine told me that i absolutely cannot find out….for completely bizarre reasons that verge on political.  i don’t know what to think.

i do know that my puppy nearly gave me a heart attack yesterday when i was dropping her off for doggy day care.   when i was getting her out of her crate i noticed that she was carsick on the way.  this is not entirely uncommon, but it hasn’t happened for a while and she was super-keen to get out of there.  she’s usually a bit poky getting out, but yesterday she BOLTED out of her crate and out of the CAR before i could grab and leash her.  the parking lot is right on a VERY busy road, so i immediately begin having a heart attack.  thankfully she ran straight for the gates of the doggy day care so there was no crisis other than my own psychological one.  b.a.d. puppy.  i’m afraid that now she knows she can do that she will do it all the time.   i will have to bring her inside in her crate or something from now on. . . she’s been bad at home lately too.  she has discovered yarn.  this is bad news for a knitter.  both times were actually my fault for leaving a project out in the open though.  sigh.  i’m still trying to untangle some very very beautiful sea silk….it will take forever.

okay.  i’m out of here.  happy long weekend!  Happy Canada Day, and Happy 4th of July to my US compatriots!  we’re in for a rainy one, so hopefully i’ll have time to catch up on all of your blogs!


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

thanks for your thoughts….i’v been thinking lately of the idea of grieving infertility and how there’s really no place for it…other than the blogosphere, which is why most of us are probably still sane…
ENJOY this Canada Day….sorry it’s gonna be rainy (unless you like that!)….we are in for sun and LESS SMOG…yaaay!

Comment by shlomit

Have a wonderful holiday weekend. Someday you’ll have to explain Canadian holidays to us. They seem to have basically the sames ones, just a few days or weeks off. Copy cats. (j/k; no Canada hate here).

Comment by furrow

Enjoy your long weekend!
I hope all goes well at the followup appointment.

Comment by My Reality

In our case, I want to do something to grieve our loss of having a fully biological child. It’s frustrating that there’s really no societal acknowledgement of any fertility problems. I agree, thank goodness for blogs.
I hope you’re having a wonderful holiday weekend!

Comment by ultimatejourney

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