exile in kidville


lost
June 26, 2007, 1:15 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

since i’m on a roll with the crappy cell phone pics. . . i give you the view from my office on a (finally!) sunny day. 

ahhh

ahhh

i think that saying i was sad yesterday wasn’t really the right choice of words.  i feel…lost. 
lost because i’m not tracking this cycle and have NO idea what is going on.  i nearly got out an OPK yesterday and had to go pick up my knitting in order to distract me. 
lost because sometimes i really don’t know what i’m feeling anymore. 
lost because my husband seems to be on an entirely different plane where we are simply on a break and not thinking, talking, or reading about . . . anything IF or baby related.  i can do that to some extent, but i haven’t been able to shut it off entirely. 
lost because i can’t go back to the RE for apparently any sort of reason until after CD3 blood work and a hysteroscopy to be arranged for on CD1…..who fucking knows when that will be.  even the notion of a CDanything right now is nearly laughable to me. 

it’s making me realize that my life has really been structured around my cycles.  that may seem obvious, but it’s really weird to not have any idea about what stage of my cycle i might be in.  should this be relaxing?  sure, it’s nice to be able to have drinks with friends, eat lots of sushi and such, but it feels so….unstructured.  i can’t enjoy it.  i apparently need the crack habit of TCOYF, thermometers, OPKs, death march sex, etc. to feel ‘normal.’  how sick is that? 

i think what i really need is to just still be pregnant. 
i guess all of this shit is really catching up with me again today.

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13 Comments so far
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I can relate to the husband-on-a-different-plane experience. We were always like that while TTC, and it bothered me. I don’t know how it would go if we were to have a loss. I’m sure it would be worse.
I can imagine how lost you must feel now, both waiting for the whole process to start again while simultaneously dealing with what could’ve been.
I hope CD1 comes soon so that you can get your bearings.
Your view is lovely.

Comment by furrow

Dealing with any sort of loss is so hard, and there are so many setbacks. Please don’t beat yourself up over it. CD 1 will be here before you know it and you’ll be back to the structured roller coaster of IF.

Comment by ultimatejourney

First of all, I think I’d be a much calmer person if I had a view anything like that outside my office….
sorry things are tough…we took one month ‘off’ and i was sooo disoriented…it felt like a 100 day month…i have no good ad/ass vice for you…it all really sucks…but i always find there is finally a good day or two down the road…hope you arrive on one soon…
peace
shlomit

Comment by shlomit

I know that lost feeling all too well. I hope it doesn’t last for long.
You have a beautiful view from your office. My view is ugly and kind of icky. I wish I had something nice to look upon.

Comment by My Reality

I know where you are. It is amazing how it hits you out of nowhere. It sucks when your husband seems to have moved on and you are barely breathing.
HUGS!

Comment by Sunny

I know my husband, who I love with the ferocious power of a thousand suns, can drive me utterly nuts by his habit of ‘dealing with stuff’ by pretending it didn’t happen. But then I also know he’s frightened to let go and really feel things, in case he loses control. He feels he has to be in control for my sake.
It hasn’t been very long at all, and I’d be very surprised if you weren’t still feeling lost. Not that it being normal stops it sucking. I’m sorry.
Love the view from your office. Mine is currently of a building under construction. Ugh.

Comment by May

Oh what a beautiful view from your office. I am in the middle of a bldg with no view at all – and when I stand up to look at what its like outside all the people that have offices keep their damn blinds shut….ugh. Anyway, hope you start to feel better.

Comment by Meghan

Oh gosh, I know this feeling all too well and it COMPLETELY BLOWS. I am sending thoughts of comfort your way.
After both of my miscarriages, I felt paralyzed. To me, it would all be OK if I could just get pregnant again, like, now. You have to adjust to the “not being pg” mentality and it is the last thing you want to do. I feel for you sister.
Good on you for picking up your knitting instead of your chart. I got back into yoga everyday, and it really helped.
That being said, once you start your testing, you will be filled with a new sense of purpose.
Thinking of you, Ms. Planner

Comment by Ms. Planner

I want your view too! I can *almost* see a window from my cube.
I’m sorry it’s such a rough time for you. Sometimes I think the off time is even more difficult than the “on time.”

Comment by Samantha

I can imagine what you are going through. The thought of not knowing where my cycle is is frightening. These last two cycles have been wacky and it really stresses me out. And everything that you have been through must magnify that stress 100 times over.
Is there anything that you can do to help you feel grounded? And, if your break needs to include discussion of IF issues, then that’s the kind of break you need. Don’t force anything on yourself. Try to be gentle.
You know how to reach me if you need me!
XOXO

Comment by Lady In Waiting

it is harder to be waiting than to be doing something and know you’re getting somewhere. you had a lot of distractions from the miscarriage with the friend vists, it makes sense that it is catching up with you again while you’re stuck in wait mode.

Comment by Sarah

I am so sorry about your miscarriage. Our cycle just failed on Father’s Day – we didn’t make transfer. We had our follow-up, but now, I have a ton of stuff to think about. And it makes me feel helpless. It feels sort of like the last time I spent tons of time in a doctor’s office trying to figure out what was going wrong with me.
It is so much easier to be doing something. So, what are you knitting to distract yourself? I find I can’t even concentrate on socks or dischloths without immediately itching to do research on IF or something related.
Pax,
MLO

Comment by MLO

I think the hardest part is not having an exact date when you can start trying again–like, “I need to take a break until July 25, and then we can start.” The seemingly endless waiting is horrible.

Comment by Ann




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