exile in kidville

so, how are you?
June 10, 2007, 1:27 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

i don’t know.  stronger every day?  i couldn’t honestly say anything that concrete.

i have to warn you – this post goes over the day of my d&c in detail.  for some of you this may be too painful to read, and if you can’t, please don’t.  i felt the need to get this down though. 


the d&c was thursday, which was also our wedding anniversary.  it was at the women’s hospital, where day surgery is right across the hall from delivery (granted there are very large doors that you have to be special to open to get into the day surgery part, but still).  the waiting bench (not room, bench) is right in the hallway between the two. so, while on the bench, i had a new grandmother on one side of me ooh-ing and ahh-ing over pictures in her digital camera, and women in labour walking the hall in front of me. why hasn’t anyone figured out that shared waiting space for women experiencing a loss and women with babies/in labour is not ideal?  someone finally came and took us away to a hospital bed that had curtains you could pull around it….which i did because directly across the room from me was a woman awaiting a c-section.  i know she could have been as scared and sad as i was, but i really wasn’t thinking about that at the time.  while we were waiting, many people came and went.  the anesthesiologist came by to say hello.  two different nurses came in and out with questions, forms to sign, and to get my height and weight.  at one point i heard the nurses talking about another patient who was “very upset” about the fact that she was “surrounded” by pregnant women and babies.  no kidding.  maybe some day they’ll get it. 

slowly, things started stepping up.  i had taken all of my pills (ibuprofen, acetaminophen, and two anti-nausea agents), signed all of my consent forms, and then a nurse came in to give me an IV.   she did a good job, but i am so fair that if you look at me the wrong way i bruise, so i had a lovely bruise on my hand for a week to remind me of that day. 

soon enough, the bed across from me was taken by another woman with her partner.  she was not visibly pregnant, and when the nurse went over and gave her the exact same whack of pills to take on about a thimble-full of water, i figured she was there for the same reason.  i wondered if she was the one they were talking about earlier.  while i was in surgery, Husband was on the waiting bench at the same time as her partner.  he said he wanted to talk to him, but didn’t. 

a little bit later *another* nurse comes by.  this was my OR nurse.  they were all very nice, but it was a bit odd to have so many.  she came to talk to me, then immediately went to find the OB who was doing the surgery.  she found him, and off i went to the OR.  she warned me beforehand that it was very bright and very blue in there, and that the first thing they would do would be to put an oxygen mask on my face.  they put me on the bed and the anesthesiologist was there already.  it felt like some kind of sick version of “this is your life.” “megan, remember the anesthesiologist you met this morning?  well heeere he is!” i hopped up on the bed and he put the oxygen mask on and told me to take five or six deep breaths.  i only remember taking two. 

the first thing i remember is waking up to see husband come into where they had me post-op.  i was already crying, though whether from the anesthesia or reality, i can’t be sure.  apparently i had been awake for a little bit as the OR nurse went to go get Husband and told him that he should go ahead and come in as i was a bit weepy.  i don’t remember anything though before seeing him come in.  i as so grateful to see him.  i cried and rambled on and he held my hand while the blood pressure cuff went on and off and on again.  we now had another nurse who was monitoring me post-anesthesiology.  she was just lovely. . . . so kind and sweet.  then the OB came by to see how i was doing.  i was happy to see him as i didn’t see him before surgery.   he is really nice too.  Husband got to meet him and agreed.  he has a much better manner than the other OB i saw last year who left me the message on my answering machine telling me she would be a hero if was pregnant.  this doc seems to care very genuinely.  Husband and i double checked with him about going away the next morning and he assured us that it would be fine as long as i didn’t do the driving and took it easy for a day or so.  he also said that it wouldn’t be a problem to go kayaking, as long as i didn’t flip the boat and end up swimming. 

so, while it was terrible to have to be there, everyone was so nice. my post-op nurse was so caring about my mental state after the surgery that i asked her if she was a social worker (Husband is a social worker, you see).  as we were leaving, two of the other nurses said that they hope to see us under happier circumstances soon.  me too.

i came home and went to bed until early evening.  Husband went to the store to get me some ibuprofen, ice cream, and to pick up my favourite comfort food for me.  i laid around the rest of the night and the next morning we were off for Galliano island to get away and to celebrate our anniversary.

our cabin was lovely and stuck in the woods where we couldn’t even see neighbours.  it was very quiet (except for the nature of course) and the perfect place to get away from the city for a bit of recovery time.  there was a lovely hammock and neat little places to sit all over the grounds of the cabin, which were quite extensive and simply lovely.  we took it easy for both friday and saturday.  i was very weepy off and on, as i knew i would be.  sunday we had a fantastic time though and not only went kayaking – which was tremendous, particularly because the boat i rented was wonderful.  we’re looking to eventually have the money to buy our own kayaks, so every rental is like a test-paddle.  it was a gorgeous day and a great paddle.  later in the day, Husband decided that he was going to the moped/scooter rental place to toot around the island on a scooter.  i was reluctant at first but ended up deciding to rent a wee moped.  it was SO much fun.  it sounds so silly and such, but it was really just SO fun.  i was giggling all the while.  vrooom.  gigglegiggle.  vrooooom.  until my moped broke down at the corner store.  we called the rental place and had to leave it there.  i hopped on the back of Husband’s scooter to get back to the rental place.  that was scary, but mostly because i’m a control freak and his scooter went much faster than my lil’ moped.  alive and well, we headed out for one last dinner at the island pub and then back to the cabin to get ready to leave early the next morning.

after we got home from the island i decided that while i wasn’t ready to jump right back into trying (nor is that recommended medically of course), i wanted and needed a plan.  what will we do next?  i called the OB who did my surgery to schedule my follow up.  he can’t see me until july as he is away for most of june.  the receptionist offered another doctor to me in the meantime, but i am SO sick of new doctors that i decided to wait until early july for the appointment….besides, i like this guy. then i called my RE’s office.  what a fucking nightmare that place was.  i talked to the general receptionist who was lovely but then put me on to the (new) receptionist who specifically makes the appointments.  i had to leave a message.  she calls me back the next day, at work of course, and i told her i wanted to make an appointment.  “you chart says you are pregnant.”  thanks.  well, i’m not anymore.  “what happened?” she asked “was this a spontaneous abortion?”  i nearly hung up.  seriously, lady.  what. the. fuck. are you doing talking to me like that?  asking me that question in such a way?  i (as i am prone to doing) burst into tears and managed to get out that i had a d&c.  she makes me an appointment for july (!).  it wasn’t over yet though.  she then has to call me back.  she told me that she had someone else look over my chart and had cancelled my appointment.  instead, she tells me that i have to be RE-REFERRED by my GP, but in the meantime she was sending a requisition for CD3 bloodwork, as well as a records request for women’s hospital for the d&c information.  ALSO, i am to call them on CD1 to schedule a hysteroscopy.  i couldn’t handle it.  this time i did practically hang up on her.  what the fuck?  REREFERRED?  more bloodwork, AND i can’t even SEE the doctor in the meantime?  i simply wanted to sit with someone and work out a plan for what was next.  i wasn’t ready to be thrown back into the world of tests and more tests.  unbelievable.    in lieu of something so simple with the RE, we have an appointment this week with our GP to try to discuss the what next.  she may not be able to tell us much, but it will make us feel better.  I just want to know what to be doing in the meantime other than more interminable waiting.  should i start taking met again?  what about extending the medication protocol for a while since it *did* work for us?  what? what? what?  why are some of these doctors so fucking untouchable?  am i just highly oversensitive to how doctors treat me? 

i was back to work last tuesday.  going back was 1,000 times harder than i thought.  i could barely stand it.  i would almost loose it when someone innocuously asked how i was.  i didn’t want ANYONE to talk to me, and i had a hard time even going for coffee with a good friend of mine who knows what happened and is very supportive.  i just couldn’t even listen to her talk about her week and what was going on in her life.  i felt terrible.  i basically sequestered myself for the rest of the week, avoiding coworkers as much as humanly possible and not being very friendly when it was not.  i just was not handling being around anyone other than Husband.  it wasn’t until thursday that i was able to leave the library without being in tears, and even that day i had to close my door and have a good cry at lunch.  i was coming home from work every day and calling my mom and crying some more.  i’m still weepy.  that’s okay i suppose.  Husband has been wonderful, and my family is very supportive….it’s just hard to have them so far away.  hugs are always better than phone calls. 

so here it is sunday and another work week is looming.  monday i have a workshop to be at all day, and i’m leaving early on thursday to drive to seattle.  i’ve a friend that i haven’t seen since before we got married.  she is in seattle staying with friends right now.  i’ll go down later in the week for a mini-reunion of sorts as i’ve two other dear friends from out east that live down there as well.  saturday we’ll head back to vancouver so she can see the city.  she then has a conference during the week and leaves again on thursday.  i’m looking forward to seeing everyone again, but a bit nervous too because i really haven’t been doing well with people other than husband.  i’m already apologizing to them over the phone about what my mental state may or may not be like.  i’ve already told all of them what happened.  it seems i’ll tell almost anyone now.  well, that’s not true, bu
t for all of the hemming and hawing about who to tell about the pregnancy, i can tell you that more people know that we lost the pregnancy than knew that i was pregnant in the first place.  i’m not saying that the next time this happens i’ll be sending out mass email announcements or something, but i certainly won’t be as guarded.  the support after the loss is so important, and hell, it can’t hurt to have more people rooting for you in the beginning instead of only being invited to participate in the grieving process after the fact.  Husband is having a bit of a different experience, having told some people at work as it was easier to tell them than not — particularly when he had to get a day off to take me to the hospital.  he is now experiencing the giving of the assvice, and perhaps too-intimate "how are yous".  the realization that the best of intentions does not always make that shit easier to take is a harsh one.

and that, in a nutshell, is where i am right now.  i didn’t have much bleeding after the procedure, but was quite crampy for about a week.  the bleeding was more akin to end of period spotting, though i was very thankful when that stopped as it was painful to have to see any amount of blood on one of my 50 trips to the washroom during the day.  mentally and emotionally, i’m still in a very sad place, but small gains every day. i hate going to work.  Husband is really the only person i want to see right now.  i hate people asking me how i am (in person that is — phone is okay for some reason, though i still might cry). i cry a lot i guess.  we went to the mall on the monday we got back from the island.  bad place with lots of babies and knocked up ladies.  we watched pan’s labyrinth last night.  fantastic movie, but very bad for someone in my position.  i never really know what will get my tears going, but i’m just letting them come.  it’s all i can do.  i’m still so devastated that this had to happen to us, and still desperately want to know why.  i’m just trying to “get better” as i say.  i came home from work crying one day last week and told Husband that i worry that he will get really sick of me and start wishing i would just get over it.  he told me that i will be "better"  when i am better and that he is here for me for as long as that takes.  i thought it would be “easier” after the d&c was over but i was wrong. i will get stronger, but it will never be “easier.”  the need to talk about it is dwindling, and generally there are less tears, but still many.  i may eventually be able to tell someone what happened without crying, but it will never be “better.”  it may not be a permanent state of sadness, but the grief will never just go away.  i’m so lucky to have the support of my wonderful Husband and family, and that of the blogosphere.  thanks again for all of your support.  i’ve been reading most of you recently and commenting a bit, but not that much.  know that i’m around, just a bit quiet.


15 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Oh, Megan. I’m sorry you’re going through such hell. You’re doing the right thing by allowing yourself to be sad. For as long as it takes. And like you said, I’m sure some part of it will always be there. I hope the sad parts of your day continue to get smaller and smaller.

Comment by furrow

Dear Megan, I am so sad for you. So sad that at this dreadful time, the medical profession can be so clueless and unhelpful (though I’m glad some of them were kind). So sad you had to go through this at all. I’ll be thinking of you.

Comment by May

I’m so sorry about everything you have to deal with on top of an incredibly hard loss. Our situations are very different, but I remember similar feelings of darkness after we got my hubby’s diagnosis, and I hope that the grief dissipates for you as it did for me. You will never forget, but I hope that it will get easier and you will be able to find peace. Hugs.

Comment by ultimatejourney

I am so so so sorry. Reading your experience brought back so many memories. I wish life was different. As each day passes it does get easier with lots of bumps and drops and blue days. But it does get easier. Let yourself grieve.

Comment by Sunny

I’m really sorry you had to go through all of this. Like any loss, I think you are right: you will get stronger but it will always be profoundly sad. I hope that it will get easier for you to got to work and see other people. Pan’s Labyrinth put me in tears too.
Your RE’s office also pisses me off. You’d think with everything else you have to, that your doctor experiences could be better. I’m sorry they are making you wait so long.

Comment by Samantha

i’m so sorry you’re going through this. and you’re not being overly sensitive–the way that apptment-making receptionist handled those calls was HORRIBLE! there should really be a doc available to talk with you aside from whatever is scheduled in terms of the next protocol.
i’m glad your husband and family are so wonderfully supportive though, and i think it is really healthy that your allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel. that’s the only way through it.

Comment by Sarah

Oh sweetie. I wish that I had more to offer you than “I’m sorry” and “I wish you weren’t going through this.”
*hug* I agree that you’re not being oversensitive. When you do get in to see your doctor, I’d mention the receptionist to him too.
And what you’re doing is so healthy – letting yourself feel what it is you feel.
Healing is non-linear – some days will be better than others. But you will get better over time.
Take as much time as you need to work through this.
Hugs and love to you. I am wishing you much peace.

Comment by serenity

I am so sorry you are going through this. Its not fair sometimes. I hope you start to feel better soon.

Comment by Meghan

There’s no prescribed limit on how much you are “allowed” to cry. Getting all of those feelings out now is definitely better than bottling them up and having them rear their ugly heads later. Avoid as many people as you need to – and as often – until you feel better. You are taking care of yourself and that is commendable!! I am REALLY glad that Husband is so wonderful and that you have a supportive group of friends. Since I live on the east coast, I can’t offer a RT hug, but I am sending you loads and loads of virtual hugs!!!

Comment by Lady In Waiting

Megan, I’m so sorry you had to deal with such bs during an already impossibly hard time.
Big hugs for you, and your husband sounds wonderful. I hope each day continues to get better.

Comment by projgen

I am so, so sorry. What at terrible experience to have to go through… and what the hell were they thinking having you right next to pregnant women??? OMG!
Take care of yourself. I can only imagine how much it continues to hurt.

Comment by Natalie

Oh, what a horrible couple of weeks. I suppose all you can ask for is that it gets just a teeny bit better every few days.
For the record, I’ve heard that there really isn’t a specific medical reason why couples are supposed to take a few months off after a m/c before trying again. My suspicion? It’s just too damn hard emotionally, and doctors know that.
Take good care of yourself.

Comment by Ann

I’m so sorry about everything you’re going through. Be gentle with yourself…

Comment by Sticky Bun

I just wanted to drop by… it’s a little late of course… and say sorry for your loss. I’m glad you had some good people around you and I’m sorry for those who didn’t quite help. Hopefully July comes quickly enough so you can know what the plan is – that was a big help to me.
I also think you’ll start to feel better as your hormones work themselves out. Having your body put through the wringer makes the grief so hard to deal with.

Comment by Bea

Of course you need to take the time to grieve and heal and it sounds like you’re doing that in the best way you know how. I don’t think anyone could ask more of you. You may not be your “usual” self, but isn’t that the point? I say keep doing what you’re doing and don’t be too hard on yourself for not being as social at work or with friends – that will change over time, but maybe you’re just not ready right this minute. Thinking of you…

Comment by coffeegrljp

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