exile in kidville


10dpo and not holding my breath
April 24, 2007, 11:07 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

fuck, i’m tired.
i say that i’m not obsessing over symptoms, but i don’t know how true that is.  i definitely feel more removed from this cycle.  just kind of numb about the whole thing.  removed.  distant.  a little hopeless in the past performance being the best indicator of future results kind of hopeless. 

my brain is struggling with that numbness though and trying to enhance/obsess over any phantom symptom that i have right now.  yes, i’m tired.  my stomach is weird and borderline nauseous.  my boobs are so sore it hurts to walk around.  oh and the tiredness?  did i mention that i’m tired?  my arms and legs even feel tired independently of the rest of my body.

my boobs were this sore back in february too, so there isn’t anything to read into their super soreness again this month.

*sigh*

this is my 6th clom!d cycle, and 4th met/clo combo so it’s hard to hold out much hope for this line of treatment anymore.  the only "good" thing is that we know that the clom!d makes me ovulate every time.  apparently that’s not enough though.  two more and we’re off to the ICSI races.

everything else is going well though.  Husband and i joined a sea kayaking club, and we’re enrolled in the club’s beginner’s course and started last saturday.  we’ve kayaked numerous times before — even went on a big trip to the johnstone strait for a kayaking tour (which was absolutely amazing).   however, the club insists that you take the beginner’s course before they let you move on to the more advanced, rescue focused courses.  still learning a lot though, so it’s great.  puppy is doing well, and has two weeks of obedience class under her collar.  i have to say, she is a real comfort to me during all of this IF crap.  most days it’s great just to come home to her and see her waggedy tail and how excited she is to see me.  while there is no doubt that she is a comfort, that fact also makes me a little sad because sometimes i feel that she is a bit of a substitute for me.  something little to cuddle and take care of. . . okay. now i have to go off to the washroom and have a little cry. 

i’m really tired of this.

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15 Comments so far
Leave a comment

*hug* Hang in there. I know that tiredness well.
Here’s hoping that you get some good news. Fingers crossed.

Comment by serenity

I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you as well. As you know, I’ve been similarly unsuccessful at keeping the obsessing to a minimum. And of course there’s always a myriad of reasons the symptoms don’t mean anything. But, then again, maybe they do. That’s the sucky part. Be strong, compadre.

Comment by carrie

Sea kayaking sounds fabulous. I am a canoe woman myself, nice and mellow. And my dog fits in the canoe as well.
Glad you have a dog to come home to, too. I love my doggies. I have to say thought that after the miscarriage I had an incredible urge to get a puppy.

Comment by Nicole

I know that dreaded feeling of 10dpo all too well. I will be hoping that you get the shock of a lifetime in a few short days.

Comment by My Reality

I am so hoping for good things for you! Try to take a deep breath. I totally can’t say stop thinking about it because it won’t happen. HUGS!

Comment by Sunny

I’m so sorry you are having a hard time. It is so difficult trying not to obsess. It seems as if our only other option is to try our hardest to be ambivalent. That doesn’t work either. Whatever we end up doing we are still in some form of emotional pain. Hang in there. Enjoy the things you can — great that you are doing the sea kayaking.

Comment by Merideth

Did I miss something? You’re going from clomid/intercourse straight to IVF/ICSI? Is the IUI not an option?

Comment by sharah

Sea kayaking sounds fun. You’re doing what you can to distract yourself — unfortunately, there’s only so much you can do.
Don’t hold your breath, but don’t give up either.

Comment by ultimatejourney

I’ve gone sea kayaking once and had a great time, although I did manage to flip over! Lesson learned: Don’t lean in the direction you want to go!
I’m hoping your symptoms mean something good.

Comment by Samantha

you’re almost there. it’s the hardest part, but it IS the home stretch. i’m hoping it’s your last 2ww for at least 9 months!

Comment by Sarah

Hi, I’m new to your blog, and find that I have a lot in common with you–mainly, the obsessing over temps (my cycles are COMPLETELY wacked out, so it’s anybody’s guess as to when the temp will go up). I’m crossing my fingers for you over the next four or five days!

Comment by Ann

I hope you’re at home tonight, getting love from your puppy. I wish this were easier, M.

Comment by Mel

Thanks for your comment!
I wish you all the best for this cycle, hoping the 2ww goes by FAST!!

Comment by watson

Hoping the rest of the wait goes by quickly. Sorry you are feeling not so optimistic – it gets hard when you’ve done the same thing a few times.

Comment by Larisa

Hey, it was comforting to know that someone else struggles with the CD1 thing. I *almost* asked my RE if I could bring in toilet paper with what I believe to be spotting to ask him if that constitutes CD1. Just kidding – while, kind of.
Thanks for finding and commenting on my blog. I truly hope that this month works for you!!! I will check in regularly.

Comment by Lady In Waiting




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