exile in kidville


right ticked
April 16, 2007, 2:23 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

i just need to vent.
let me preface this by saying that i am willing to admit i am being irrational, but i have been pissed off since last night and as the day progresses i don’t seem to be getting any *less* pissed off so obviously i haven’t truly embraced the possibility of this being truly irrational. 
yet, any way.
this also falls into the "too much information" category, but you know what?  no one that i know in real life reads this blog so i can more freely post TMI posts.

so.
here goes.
i am very angry at my husband right now. 
i had a positive OPK on friday afternoon, so i told husband that we had to get down to business over the weekend.  told him that friday and saturday would be the most important nights.  then we discussed the "insurance screw."  sunday?  monday?  i told him that sunday would likely be best.  this also worked better with his schedule, so everyone was happy.

sunday night rolls around and he’s too freakin tired.  can we do tomorrow instead?
argh.
i was livid. 
which feels … well, not quite wrong, but not quite right.

see, he has a sports function tonight and will also be too tired.
regardless, i had my second high temperature this morning, so i am now convinced that tonight would be too late.

i *know* all of the logical bits about sperm living 2-3 days and the debate between everyday vs. every other day during the fertile period, but none of that seems to matter very much to me right now.

irrational or not, i’m just pissed.
i would *love* it if my "burden" of infertility was as simple as having to have sex when i’m tired. 
i would *love* it if i could be to freaking tired to deal with the all of the IF things I have to deal with.

grr.
there’s no need for me to rant on any longer.  i already feel a little better.
still mad though.

and sad that intimacy has come down to this.

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16 Comments so far
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I don’t think this post is irrational at all. But that may be because I have had exactly the same feelings. My husband and I haven’t been doing the whole ‘sex’ thing to get pregnant in a while, but when we were, we had quite a few fights about the issue.
If they only knew what we really go through, an orgasm really isn’t that bad.

Comment by My Reality

Oooh – don’t they just burn you sometimes?! I’ve been there…”What do you mean you’re too tired?! The clock is ticking in more ways than one!!” I don’t think this is at all irrational. It may not feel totally right, but I agree with you it’s not necessarily a “wrong” thing either. *sigh*

Comment by Coffeegrljp

Hey, I always get it out. Vent it. Why keep it boiling around inside? It does suck. And it’s hard for guys to sort of get their mind around the time issues of IF–how many cycles one has during the year (which equals chances). I’m sorry. I hope things improve tonight. And that the first two times were what you needed this cycle.

Comment by Mel

You are not alone in having this issue. I hated fighting over having sex. It’s about the only good thing about doing IVF, is that sex has become relatively divorced from the reproductive process again!

Comment by Samantha

I don’t think you are being irrational at all. I’ve had the same issue with SB. I think I just sweetly (read, in the most bi-atchy tone I could muster while strangling him) told him that it was perfectly fine if he was tired but I’d like him to remember how tired I get when I have to get up every other morning at the ass-crack of dawn to get to the IF clinic for monitoring and to just keep that in mind and have a nice sleep dear and maybe we’ll get pregnant the old fashioned way i.e. immaculate conception. I sometimes get just a wee bit sarcasic about it all. I tell him poor baby has to work sooooo hard and I’m sooooo sorry to put more pressure on him and FORCE him to have an or.gasm, that I know it is just the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to him, etc. You get the picture. By the time I get really wound up he is laughing and begging for mercy. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn’t but he always knows how ridiculous his “I’m tired” statement is.
Bottom line though, this is just one more thing IF has taken from all of us. Spontenaity and joy from relations with our husbands. It really sucks.

Comment by Merideth

Not irrational at all. Because when they do that – the I’m too tired tonight, how about tomorrow night – the burden on you feels even heavier. I remember thinking, when my husband pulled that one month, “Am I the only one that gives a shit whether we have a damn baby?” It made me cry and shriek with frustration simultaneously.

Comment by Adrienne

Oh, I have been there too. Oh, the FRUSTRATION.
And now we’ve been told NOT to try to conceive until after my surgery, husband has taken this as indicating that he can go into hibernation.
Grrr.

Comment by May

You are NOT irrational! I have been there so many times. He may not understand now how important it is, but eventually he will get it. It has taken a looonnngg time for Manly to come around to the stage of being concerned about dates and timing.

Comment by sharah

oh god, it just sucks so bad. that whole trying-the-old-fashioned-way was a recipe for disaster in my marriage. they just don’t understand. i think it took mine four years and ivf to finally get a glimpse at what infertility is like from my perspective.

Comment by Sarah

Sounds perfectly rational to me. Plus, this same thing happened with my husband a number of months ago and I was so angry that I could have slugged him. Unfortunately, I can’t blog about it because my husband reads my blog along with a few IRL friends. But my anger lasted for at least a couple of days. You have every right to be frustrated. Rant on my friend.

Comment by Nicole

Not irrational in the least. IF is hard on a marriage, the whole sex on a schedule makes things even worse. And there’s something to your feeling like you’re bearing the burden of IF alone.
*hug*

Comment by Serenity

I so relate to this. And it doesn’t get any better as you progress through various treatments. At times they can be wonderful – but the majority of the time they are just immature.
I don’t think the majority of men really understand that there is a very real shelf-life to their wives’ fertility – or that they actually have to do the deed to get you pregnant! Even if the deed is in a cup!
I don’t blog about this either – as IRL and Family – including DH – read my blogs. It really sucks, doesn’t it?
Pax,
MLO

Comment by MLO

I followed you home from the Vitual Lushary. Ok, that sounded stalkerish, but I didn’t mean it that way. :-)
As far as your post, that’s always a sticky situation. Performance on demand for a non negotiable nookie night. It just stinks all the way around. Here, let me buy you a round. Hope it helps!

Comment by teamwinks

Can I just say IF sucks….I don’t think you were irrational at all in this stage of the game and you want all the insurance you can get and in some ways that just isn’t enough. I really hope you didn’t need it this cycle.

Comment by M

oh, girl, if you’re irrational, you need to get in line!!! like others, i haven’t done the sex for procreation thing for a looong while but that doesn’t mean i don’t remember a few very stressful situations…being pissed off, quickly followed by feeling guilty and confused…not pretty….
as they say, this too shall pass…
peace
shlomit

Comment by shlomit

Completely rational. I was screaming mad when DH said, “can’t we just do this tomorrow”? It still makes me mad, and that was a week ago. I understand the pressure on him to perform is very great and that it is stressful, but for fuck’s sake, all you have to do is have sex! The meds, the interventions, etc. are way worse. Who cares if it’s not spontaneous? We’re making a baby here! Get your shit together!
Anyway, I completely understand.

Comment by carrie




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