exile in kidville

only a leopard has more spots
March 29, 2007, 4:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

so i’ve been spotting for four days now.  so. effing. irritating. 
she’s on her way.
my temperature has plummeted. 
i just called my clinic to have them call in another round of clomiph.ene.  JOY.
three rounds down (five if you include the two with the bad OB / pre-RE days).  three rounds to go.

optimism is for suckers.  i only lasted 4 days!
i think Serenity is right.  "Hope Management" is really the hardest part of all of this. 

after a year and a half, it still gets me that the end of each cycle is so difficult.  each one is harder than the one before.  you would think I would be getting used to this — then again, maybe it’s the getting used to it that is so very sad. 

i also think that perhaps the excessive try at being an full-on optimist wore me out.  really.  i broke down in completely inappropriate situations yesterday — i wasn’t handling anything well.  i found myself wondering if it was because of all of the desperate attempts at optimism.  i spent so much energy pretending that i had nothing left for my reality.

but my husband tells me that i "can’t let this drive me crazy."

YOU take pills three times a day that seem to do nothing but make you nauseous.  YOU have your body send you completely confusing signals for a week or more each month.  YOU try to figure out your broken body month after month.  fuck.  why can’t YOU just DO this for a while, and i’ll take a wee break?

don’t get me wrong.  my husband is very supportive and good.  he really is.  it would be nice to trade places for a month though.  we’ve talked about it and he honestly just feels optimistic.  he feels we can do this and that it will happen.

i want to feel that way too.  so. much.  i want to feel that way. 

it certainly would be nice to have someone else feel like an idiot trying to determine when the first day of my cycle is.  this month is following a usual pattern for me . . . .days on end of spotting.  is today day one?  was yesterday maybe?  tomorrow? 

also, today at work we got the good news (and it is indeed good news) that a co-worker had a baby boy on yesterday.   some of us at work have gotten together and are making her and her baby a quilt.  today we met to decide how we want to place the squares.  i almost didn’t make it.  but i did.  my eyes didn’t even well up until i was alone in the stairway heading back up to my office.  it’s sad too that it’s so hard to take part in other people’s joy.  it makes me feel selfish and a bit more awful.  i know that this is par for the course though, and don’t beat myself up about it.  i’ve also been putting off getting my hair done because my hair lady is pregnant.  my roots can’t take this much longer.   she knows we’ve been trying, which makes it all the more difficult.  i told her back in the day when it was fun to tell people that you gave up the pill and would certainly have a baby at any given moment.  thankfully only a close friend here at work knows.

oh THOSE days when it *was* fun to tell people that you were trying.  days when i would have had to search the house for a thermometer. 
days when hope wasn’t something that had to be managed. 


7 Comments so far
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I’m so sorry. I hate that we have to balance the difficult line between being hopeful and being realistic. I used to think that I would expect the worse, and anything better would be just a plus. But that’s not a pleasant way to go through life either. There has to be room for hope, somewhere (even if it’s in the back of the closet with the thermometer!). It’s just hard, all around. I hope AF either shows for sure or disappears for sure (obviously the latter is preferred!). Spotting just sucks.

Comment by carrie

This is all just so HARD, isn’t it?
Carrie’s right, it really is a fine balancing act – trying to be in a place of “cautious optimism.”
But you know? If being hopeful makes you sad, then maybe you should just not be hopeful. It’s all about self-preservation at this point.
I meant to mention that if you want a really good book which deals with managing emotions during cycles – I HIGHLY recommend Alice Domar’s “Conquering Infertility.” I bought it last summer and it was literally a GODSEND. She gives you tools to cope with sh*t like baby showers, new babies, etc.
I am so sorry that AF gave you advance warning. :(

Comment by Serenity

Yes, it is the hope management that is absolutely draining. I am out of energy for the moment on that one.

Comment by Nicole

I’m sorry that you’re finding things so rough. The balancing act is really tough, but if you truly thought there was no hope, you would be unable to try at all.
Just a question: how many rounds of clomid are you trying? I hate to say anything to freak you out, but my understanding is that six rounds is about the max doctors recommend because of carcinogenic risks. If you might do more than six, it would be worth talking to your doctor about this.

Comment by Samantha

When exactly does that happen? The transition from “it’s fun to tell people we’re trying” to “ugh”. I know I’m there already and it just takes the sparkle out of things.
I’m a hugger and wish I could get more of them from understanding friends in real life – so in case that’s something you favor as well – here’s a big old virtual HUG. Sometimes it’s just too exhausting to be optimistic.

Comment by Coffeegrl

I so understand the avoidance phase….I am in it full force. I am proud of you for making it to the square meeting…that is a huge step and a tough one. I know that if the co-worker knew what you were going through she would appreciate it even more than she already will.

Comment by M

I agree that although our husbands can be supportive, they can’t COMPLETELY know what we are going through. Just today, as we were leaving the clinic, my husband tentatively asked if maybe I wasn’t being a little impatient, that I was jumping the gun when I felt that something wasn’t working. I had to “patiently” explain to him that every time something doesn’t work, I cross another option off my list of ways to get pregnant. My list has gotten much, much shorter in the past year. Hope is all well and good, but Realism is much more tangible for me at this point. Then again, there are plenty of stories about miracles, too. Perhaps those are what keep our hope alive.

Comment by Ann

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